Unmasking Authenticity: A Journey from Pain to Strength

Healing ain’t easy, especially if you ain't ever truly acknowledged the pain. 

Sometimes you’re jus’ too young to understand the weight on your shoulders- so you learn how to carry it well, but that doesn’t make it any lighter. Healing from homelessness, abuse, surgeries, and a bunch of toxic self-sabotage will teach you more than organic chemistry could ever. 

Yet here I was, a 20-year-old Black girl from a hood, writing about being vulnerable and healing a heart that was stuck in two survival modes: insecurity and fear. I decided to share this with you as a promise that I made to myself, promising that once I get some answers - I’d share them with the world. So y’all better fasten them seatbelts 'cause class is in session and I’ve been pressin’ for this lesson.

First off, everyone talks crap. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, we all have. 

As much crap talking society and social media engages in, we never really accept that people talk bad about us! Sometimes it’s yo friends, yo momma, yo haters, even yourself, and being real, that crap hurts! As a society, we don’t embrace that other people have feelings just like us but will that make people talk less mess? Hell No! But you will feel better knowing that there’s nothing you can do, and that it is completely out of your control. We live in a society where people who work dead-end jobs that they hate, will sit on their brisk lunch break, and complain that everyone else is either doing too much or not doing enough... No matter how you decide to live your life or what you want to accomplish, there will be a hatin’ human, doing what they do best- hating on you! And fun fact, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop them. This level of pain and projection is the result of society brainwashing everyone into thinking that they are not good enough, so they go outside and mask themselves in a cloak of inauthenticity, invisibility, and invulnerability- and yes, that includes me and you! Truly understanding that no matter what we do, somebody will always have something to say about it; so why not let them talk mess about your true, unleashed authentic self? If you find yourself dimming your light due to fear of what the world will say, then you can’t truly sparkle, thus you will never truly know the capability of your own light! You owe nothing to the world but your own unique contribution. And it is critical to understand that: nobody knows what they’re doing, nobody feels good enough, and nobody can maneuver you away from your passions and path; there’s no manual to life, so who can tell you what's “the right way” to live?

Alright, boom, lesson two, sometimes we're our biggest haters and that’s not okay! 

You can’t embody your own unique frequency if you continuously criticize it due to anxious misbeliefs and unreasonably high standards. This hypnotic hamster wheel will entrap you on a treadmill of self-sabotaging behaviors, self-hatred, and limiting beliefs. At one point, I didn’t believe that I was worthy of absolutely anything at all. I believed that I was so unworthy of love and peace that I sought after it in all the wrong places for the slightest drop of reassurance, from self-sacrificing satire to straight-up going against my morals in order to be loved, yet I felt so empty. It wasn’t until I turned 18 that I realized how hard my heart had become. I lost myself trying to become what everyone thought I should be, conforming to standards that I hated, for people I ain’t even freaking like. I never gave myself permission to explore my hobbies or express myself in the manner that I felt drawn to, eventually becoming my biggest obstacle. In the midst of trauma, abuse, hospitalizations, and overworking myself - I realized that I found myself swimming in a subsequent sea of stagnancy and sadness, simply because I wasn't allowing my true waters to flow. I finally swam to the surface and it was the greatest turning point in my life. 

I was tired as hell, tired of not being there for myself, tired of the toxic relationships rooted in escapism, and tired of sacrificing my happiness to conform to a society that says everything about my existence is wrong. As an androgynous-looking Haitian-Asian girl from the hoods of Orlando, FL, I hated my sole existence. I didn’t fix into an aesthetic and growing up I wanted to be white, because I thought something was wrong with me. I never felt good enough. I was this weird light-skinned “mutt” who was hyper, overzealous, and flat chested. I pleaded for my mom to relax my 4A hair, I wanted to be shaped like a Coke bottle in middle school, and I hid the fact that I lived in a Haitian household until college because it wasn't even socially acceptable to be Haitian. Bringing Diri Blan Ak Sos Pwa to school resulted in me being treated as if I was eating dog poop, and that really messed up my underdeveloped brain! 

Giving myself permission to express and explore myself was a form of reassurance and stability that was indescribable. Choosing yourself is like snatchin’ them socks off after you've been running around in the scorching sun for hours. You gotta be selfish with your happiness. No one else will make your happiness a priority, and leaving yourself on the back burner is a guaranteed recipe for burnout. The smallest details have an enormous impact, it could be the slightest tweak of physical expression like changing your hair or granting yourself a few hours to focus on that hobby you never have time for. You gotta re-parent yourself to undo the brainwashing the world does to your soul. Prioritize direction over speed; you may not see results immediately, but remember, building a house starts with a piece of paper. 

When you go through intense healing periods that are excruciatingly painful; I need you to remind yourself that these are just growing pains. And of course, you’ll feel like a total faker for setting some boundaries after being treated like a wet bathroom rug all your life. Yet, all it takes is a genuine want for change and a step in the right direction. Whenever you’re spiraling and feel like you ain’t moving fast enough, remember healing is like height, you don’t feel yourself growing ‘til you notice you’re finally tall enough for the crappy rides of life. Yes, it may have its ups, downs, loops, bumps, and unexpected stops, and it might even break you a couple times- but nobody wants a boring roller coaster. This is part of the fun, and once you realize that you’re in control, you'll call your power back and play rollercoaster tycoon out of this madness.